


This Is Clem Speaking...

by nikitainchains



Series: The Diary Series [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Bullying, Crushes, Depression, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 5,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29364567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikitainchains/pseuds/nikitainchains
Summary: Clem has a diary.
Relationships: Howard "Howie" Dixon/Brenda Hickson, Jamie "Clem" Clement/Adrienne Ellenburg, Jamie "Clem" Clement/Jimmy, Morgan Brock/Rachel Blaney, Shelby Kessler/Darren Stone
Series: The Diary Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159718
Kudos: 1





	1. THIS IS THE DIARY OF CLEM!

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a script I wrote like nine years ago.  
> I'm keeping these entries really raw and rough to make it look like a real diary.

THIS IS THE DIARY OF CLEM! 

READ THIS OR YOU DIE! 

Not really, but dad or anyone if you read this. FUCKING LEAVE IT ALONE!


	2. February 21, 1990

Dear Diary (or does that sound really fucking cheesy!)

I don't know why I decided to write a diary. Well, I call this a journal. it's not like one with a key and a padlock or not that stuff.

My dad said it's a good way to get my anger out. To write all the worries down.

Well... My name is Jamie Clement. But everyone calls me Clem. It's all always been my nickname, even in middle school.

I as Clem in this journal. (OR WHATEVER THE HELL I'M CALLING THIS), I live a pretty not-great life.

I live in a small town in Wisconsin, the home of cold weather and forty-inch snow. School is not so great too!

I have this massive crush on Adrienne Ellenburg! I love her so much! I don't even know how to put it into words, so pretty cute, and oh my god...

I can't believe she's even real. She sits beside Jeff Ellenburg (her brother) in maths. Her brown hair is so soft-looking. Wow! I sound like a fucking creep... Jeff is a really good friend too...

I'll talk more later. I liked talking to you. Thanks for letting me get everything out!

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	3. February 23, 1990

Dear, the mac and cheese I just ate. 

I had a therapy session after school today on Friday. I told Dr. C about me keeping a diary as a way to get things out of my mind. She's not the best person, to really talk to. She's currently three months pregnant and is leaving soon. I keep telling myself that I stress her out too much, because of the baby and stuff. 

My dad cooked me mac and cheese after I got back, and I ate it. Pretty good shit right there. KRAFT! 

I wonder sometimes if my dad really loves me. I can't wish the best for myself or anyone, In the mindset that I am currently in. JESUS CHRIST FUCK HOWIE! 

I sometimes wonder that fucking dude sometimes. How come he's fucked a lot of girls, and I can't even get some slid of pussy in my bedsheets. I just want some pussy in my life, it's getting too much. He's currently fucking some chick named Brenda. AND HE LOVES HER!!!! 

Dr. C wanted me to send some writings of mine in, but I told her no. I got a job at the video store. My dad said it was a good choice. BUT THE FUCKING HOURS SUCK!!! I'll do it for some money, and that will be it. 

I need to go do homework and do other shit. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr. C is based on a real therapist I knew as a teenager. She's wasn't the best.


	4. February 25, 1990

Dear, Milwaukee

Dr. C is gone. I'm sad. 

I have been trying to keep my head straight since she left. I feel like I'm going crazy. I talked with Shelby, the best thing about today. 

I think Adrienne knows I love her. I definitely need to talk to her and try to ask her out. I need to call up my weed dealer and get some more. It's a mixed feeling right now in my mind. I have this really short temper. I will explode and cry at any moment. 

FUCKING SHIT, IT'S ONE A.M.! I need to go to bed. I'm also gonna be seeing another therapist since Dr. C has left. I really don't have the time for this shit anymore. 

MILWAUKEE SUCKS!!! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the real Dr. C, she did leave me for two years when I was in therapy. Again, she wasn't the best to me.


	5. March 2, 1990

Dear Chris Cornell's Nipples

Shelby brought over some music tapes today. I got some weed for my dealer. I want to talk to someone around this time, to try to make me not insane. As I am going. 

The only person in the world I want to talk to is Adrienne, maybe even in the whole of Wisconsin. I really love Adrienne. Adrienne Ellenburg. 

She has never talked to me. She just looks at me. I have caught her looking at me, and she has hair like Chris Cornell. I don't know if I will tell her that. 

Why is Chris Cornell always shirtless with his nipples out. (I'M SO FUCKING WEIRD). 

It's now March and I hate it. I just don't want to feel angry and sad all the time. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Chris Cornell.


	6. March 5, 1990

Dear my sexual thoughts

I want something to do. Like hobbies and shit. I kinda wanna take-up music lessons, but I don't think I could do it.

I wanna play guitar. I have some music books, knitting books that my mom left over. I just got home from my work and I had to cook my own dinner. Dad was at work tonight, night shift. 

I just want something else to do instead of being sad all the time. 

Adrienne didn't even look at me today at school. I cried. 

I have the rest of the night with my thoughts. Yet, I still think I'm losing my mind. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	7. March 8, 1990

Dear No One 

SCHOOL AND WORK CAN SUCK MY NINE-INCH COCK!!!! 

Maybe I'm getting too upset about everyone? I wonder if the hours I work? I hate this shit so much? 

I have to wake up, go to school, get home, eat food, and work. I AM SO STRESSED!!! 

I need to just shut up! 

I feel like I'm angry about everything. A lot is going on in my mind, even though life should be good? I feel like my heart is coming out of my ass sometimes. It hurts. It feels like nothing is going on in my heart. I want it to go away! 

I came home tonight from work. I don't even know what time it was when I got off. It's currently 2:08 a.m. I smoked some weed. 

I pulled up home from work in my car. My dad must smell the weed and asked where I had been. I didn't say anything, I went into my bedroom. He didn't say anything. 

I feel sick and sad. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	8. March 11, 1990

Dear My Fucked Up Mind... 

Nothing works. 

My weed ran out. I drank so much of my dad's bourbon whiskey. I haven't eaten in three days. I haven't been to school or work for two days. No one has talked to me, not even a call on the phone for those days. 

Sadly, the only person on my mind is Adrienne... 

I don't want to do this anymore. It's not gonna be better for me. I want to be out of the house. I'll be going to school tomorrow if I feel better. 

Not sure when I'll feel better though. Probably never. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	9. March 14, 1990

Dear Shelby

There's a rumor going around school saying that Shelby is gay. I don't know if it's true though. 

This whole shit makes me think I really need to be nice to people again. I like Shelby, not in that way. If the rumor is true. 

I'm sorry Shelby if it's true. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	10. March 20, 1990

Dear the demons that live in my bedroom 

I lot has happened over this week. 

Adrienne called me. I was so happy to hear her voice. I don't know how I can feel right now, thinking about it. 

It's better to feel nice than sad. I just want to tell her that I love her. She will understand me. 

Got some more weed. I smoked some. This time I felt good. 

I went back to school. Shelby has been hanging around Darren Stone of the swim team. The rumors are maybe true. 

Need to go get dinner. I'll make something to eat. Maybe? I don't know? FUCKING SHIT!!!

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	11. March 23, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicide attempt.  
> This chapter has a semi-graphic suicide attempt and a lot of triggering things. If you are sensitive to those things. I strongly advise you to leave this chapter. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Dad

I still don't think you understand me. I sometimes think you hate me. 

I was in the bathroom. I couldn't stop shaking. I felt sick. I kept crying. I hated it. 

I took a drink of beer and slapped myself in the face. I got a bunch of pills I found in the bathroom. It was around ten minutes later, my dad found me. Foam coming out of my mouth, pink and blue pills all over the bathroom floor. 

He screamed at me, "You have to make yourself sick." I didn't want to go to the hospital. I laughed at him, foam still coming out my mouth. He slapped me, screaming "JAMIE, LISTEN TO ME!" 

I vomited. I made myself vomit. Bit of foods, the pills, and others. 

Dad just held me in his arms, next to his chest. I could hear him crying. My own tears coming down my face. He wiped off the foam. He told me that he'll try and get me help. 

Now, here I am. Laying on my bed. Different clothes. I made my own dad cry. He's currently checking on me every five minutes to make sure I won't do anything. 

I feel so stupid. I need help. I don't think life is really worth living for now... 

I NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard for me to write.


	12. March 25, 1990

Dear My Cock

I've debated on quitting my job. I have been listening to a lot of music, lately. Thanks to Shelby's music tapes he left over. 

Rachel from English class is pregnant with Morgan's child. Mr. Brock or Lyle is happy apparently. He's gonna be a grandpa at age 34. That's pretty young for a grandfather. 

So, Morgan gets Rachel pregnant, Howie is fucking Brenda. And, I'm here. My cock is ready for some action. I need some pussy in my life. I NEED TO STOP SAYING THAT OH GOD! 

I'm alone. I haven't talked to anyone about the events of the last two days. I'm still all alone. My dad is trying to talk to me, but I won't listen. 

He's set me up with a group therapy session in three weeks.

Speaking of my cock. I'm so horny right now! I need to get Adrienne out of my sexual thoughts! 

I think I'm gonna go jerk off. Maybe? I don't know? 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	13. April 22, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Talk of eating disorders, disorder not specific. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Jimmy

Well, I went to group therapy. I loved it! 

I have made a new friend, Jimmy. 

We've been getting close to each other. He's funny as hell. He's been in group therapy for his struggles with eating disorders. 

The past four weeks have been weird. Howie and Brenda have broken up. 

Apparently, Shelby and Darren are a thing now. 

Adrienne hasn't called since a few weeks ago. Jimmy gave me his number. 

I don't feel sad anymore. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	14. April 25, 1990

Dear Adrienne

I love you. I really do. 

I had a dream I got it on with you last night. I won't tell you that though. I'm not over you yet, and I love everything about you. 

I hate that I sound like a creepy stalker. I'm just a stupid, depressed sixteen-year-old boy. I'm never in the mood for a lot of things. I just really love you. 

Why won't you even notice me then Adrienne. 

Howie was crying in the bathroom today. He's been down over him and Brenda breaking up. I just listened to him cry. Jeff is still a really good friend to me, and I hope you know that. 

I'll be seventeen in one month.

For the longest, I have loved you.  
Until it started to hurt me.  
Cutting me deep.  
Killing me inside. 

You do love me, right?  
Over this shit, I'm going through  
Until I'm happy? 

As you may notice, Adrienne. If you really love me, you would have said it. Until then, I will leave you this note: 

FUCK YOU ADRIENNE! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'Fuck You' part was fun to write.


	15. April 27, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic language. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Jeff, you cunt!

Jeff just called me up and told me something. 

Shelby and Darren have just had sex. 

Jeff called them a bunch of fags and then hung up. 

FUCK YOU JEFF!!! YOU FUCKING SHITTY PRICK!!! AND FUCK YOUR SISTER!!!! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	16. May 4, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic language.
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear the pricks that wrote faggots on both Shelby and Darren's lockers in black marker

School was too much!

I was so sad today, watching Shelby and Darren clean off their lockers of the marker. They had tears in their eyes. 

Shelby ran to me and cried. He told me that Darren broke up with him. 

I'm angry at my own fucking friends! 

What the fact do I even tell Shelby? 

I love you, Shell. I love you so much.

I need to figure my shit out. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	17. May 7, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Internalized Homophobia. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear the showerhead

You have seen a lot. Haven't you. 

First I think I love Adrienne, then I tell her to fuck off. The showerhead has seen me cry so many times. Now, I think there's more to think about. 

The whole thing about Shelby and Darren has made me think... A lot. 

I had pee so bad in school today. I went into the bathroom during class. Standing at the urinal, pissing. I was looking around then I saw it. Those words made me angry. 

'Shelby Kessler Sucks Dick.  
Kessler - Cocksucker.  
Kessler and Stone suck each others dicks'

Had a shower when I came home. I cried... Again. I think I love someone else. 

I would say it's Shelby, but it's not. 

I can't say their name. I can't! I can't! 

He won't save me. He won't help me. 

I SHOULD GET Adrienne to love me. Even though I hate her brother with a passion. 

I want everything to stop. I want to have a safe mind. 

NOTHING WILL GET BETTER!!! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	18. May 10, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Use of gay slurs (at one's self). 
> 
> Stay Safe and Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear Soundgarden

Chris. Your lead singer. He's gorgeous. 

His hair, his chest, his face. Everything about it. The way his hair curls around his face. Dark curly hair. GODDAMMIT! 

You really shouldn't listen to me now. I'm just some depressed faggot who doesn't know what he wants in life. 

I love Chris. His voice, god. Everything about him. I keep going on. The worse thing is. He looks like someone. 

Someone I'm in love with. 

It's gotten worse now. Now, that Chris has that tiny mustache. It frames his face so well. FUCK! He looks like him! 

I have to say now. Don't I? 

FUCK SHIT! I have to! 

I'm in love with a guy. A dude. I'm a fucking queer faggot! 

The feeling of loving someone that's not a girl is eating away at me. His name starts with J. That's all I'm saying. 

I have to go clean my face of this faggot feelings. I'm so angry at myself. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clem is having a grunge fanboy moment.


	19. May 12, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- means the use of a passage of time.

Dear Dave's Bedroom 

I ran away tonight. 

My dad and I argued and I stormed off. Once in my bedroom, I packed things. Snacks, clothes, Shelby's music tapes, and others. Anything I can fit in my bag. 

I didn't take my car. I just snuck out the window. I ran as fast I could. 

Currently staying at my friend Dave's home. He's just really welcoming. The feeling I'm still feeling is still there. I didn't tell Dave about them. He'll hate me. 

He let me have his bed, while he slept on the floor. I packed a sandwich and ate that for my dinner. I miss my dad's cooking. 

I can see my dad right now. Running around. Calling my aunts and uncle, calling Mr. Brock. He will be calling everyone. Screaming, "HAVE YOU SEEN JAMIE!". I don't wanna come home. I'd rather stay here with Dave and his family. He's better than anyone in the world. 

The sandwich I ate is only half. I'll eat the rest if I get hungry during the night. I have two more anyway. 

Dad. I'm so sorry. But, I hate you. 

To Be Continued, CLEM. 

\-   
My dad got the police involved. The police just knocked on the door. They took me home. Hiding under my bedsheets now. It's almost eight in the morning. I'm so depressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on a real event from my life.


	20. May 14, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Use of gay slurs (at one's self). 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Jimmy

I love you. 

You're J. 

All my love goes out to you. 

And, you don't know how much I love you. 

Girls, tits, and pussy should be on my mind right now. But, I can't get you out of my mind. 

We hung out twice since you gave me your phone number. I want to call you and tell you how much I feel about it. 

The other guys can call me names. Yeah, that's right. I'm a fag, a homo, fairy boy. CALL ME ANYTHING YOU WANT!! 

I don't give a fuck. I need to cry. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	21. May 15, 1990

Dear Life

I've been thinking about the gay thing. I don't think I'm fully gay. 

What if I'm bisexual? I love both Jimmy and Adrienne. A girl and a guy. 

JESUS H. CHRIST. I have a crush on a dude. Oh, fuck! I don't even know anymore. I just drunk some cheap drink to wash any thoughts out of my head. I can't be gay. I like girls. 

Speaking of Jimmy. I called him. He wants to hang out. 

I'm really fucking scared. 

My birthday is in two days. Maybe he wants to hang-out then. 

FUCK! I can't stop thinking about him. 

The worst thing about this. I have a hard one because of him. 

I can't do this. I'm sorry Jimmy. 

I really need to piss.

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	22. May 16, 1990

Dear porno magazines

I have been doing a lot of thinking today. 

By thinking, I mean jerking off. Count it as an early birthday gift. My hand and my cock. The best! 

I stole a porno magazine. It was gay mag. I've had all these feelings inside of me, I needed to figure my shit out. I was into it. I was moaning. I can see myself in those poses that the guys were in. All that. Some weed too! 

I have to say. Smoking weed and jerking off to some dudes getting plowed into it was driving me wild. The joint in one hand, my hand around my cock in the other. 

OH GOD, I FEEL SO GOOD!!! 

Blowing the smoke out, the huge white smoke circling my bedroom. I came like ten minutes later. It was clean up time. 

These mags aren't just for jerking off to. As soon as I got the mag, I just look it. The images of guys kissing, touching skin, different states of undressing, and then sex. Some of these guys aren't even gay, they just get their cocks sucked for a quick ten bucks. 

I feel like I'm just having a sexual moment right now. I need to go changed my clothes. 

It's my birthday tomorrow.

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	23. May 17, 1990

Dear birthday cake 

Today is my birthday. I'm seventeen. 

Nothing much.

I had cake, ate food, opened presents, and talked to my family. My dad is too happy for me. It's strange. He told me, "Are you happy? You're almost in senior year. I can't believe you're 17. It just seems like yesterday I was trying to get you to eat your baby food." 

And now I'm a young man. 

Birthdays never seems lonely. Unless your me. Clem. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	24. May 20, 1990

Dear Bathtub 

I love taking baths. I love them so much. 

Been hanging out with some friends, trying to keep calm. The long hot baths I take are the only things that ARE REALLY keeping me calm. 

My feelings for Jimmy are still there. He and Adrienne too. 

Friends are the best things I could have. Howie (MAYBE ?), Morgan, Rachel, Adrienne? Jimmy, Mr. Brock, and Shelby. And my dad also! I would say Jeff, but he's a homophobic prick. I wonder how Morgan feels, knowing he's gonna be a father soon. 

I love my friends so much. My dad too! 

They have no idea what I'm planning. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	25. May 22, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: The next few pages of this story are graphic. They contain suicidal thoughts, talk of suicide, talk of self-harm, depression, death in childbirth, and gay slurs (at one's self). 
> 
> This section is Clem's suicide notes to family and friends. I decided to keep it all on one page. - means the use of another page. 
> 
> If you are triggered by any of these things. I strongly advise you to leave this chapter. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Mom

I love you. I miss you. 

You died giving birth to me. You would of help me right.

I've tried to be the best son. The son you never got to see grow up. I'm seventeen now. I'm now six foot one. All grown up and stuff. I miss you so much. Dad has tried his best to help me over the years, but you weren't here. 

I had to go through puberty all alone with my dad's help. You weren't here for my first birthday, growing up, falling in love, my 16th birthday, me getting married, having kids of my own. 

I'm gonna be doing something tonight. Something big. I want to be with you so much. I'll see you there very soon, hopefully. 

I miss you, mom. Oh god, I miss you. 

I want to be with you so much. I'll take care of you. Since you never were able to take care of me. Your body was too small to give birth to me, and you never named me. You never heard my name. Ever. 

My name is Jamie, mom. 

Jamie Brandon. That's my name mom. 

I will see you tonight, very soon. I love you, mom. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Love, Jamie. 

\-   
Dear Dad 

I can hear you outside my door while I'm writing this. I love you, dad. But you didn't listen.

I'm sorry, dad. I'm just really sad. I hate the way I feel right now. 

I want you to find me, happily. In my bed. I'm sorry for yelling at you, for you seeing my upset. I'm suffering in the dark, here. No one cared about that. 

If you find this note or any of these notes. I want you to know, I loved you. 

I will miss you when I'm gone. I hope you love me more than ever before. 

I'm sorry, dad. I love you. 

Love, Jamie. 

\-   
Dear Howie. 

Your such an asshole, dude. 

I'll miss you so much when I do my thing. You've been the best person in my life, but you're an ass sometimes. 

I was sorry for you when Brenda broke up with you. I mean seeing you crying on the dirty school bathroom floor. I had to help you. 

Nothing will help you during the time I write these letters to you and the others. I won't tell you, it's too much for me. I will miss you, like the others. 

That's really all I have to say to you. I love you, Howie. 

Love, Clem. 

\-   
Dear Shelby 

Hey, Shell. You're another dude, I love. 

I hope you are fine. God, there's a lot to say to you. 

I want to best for you. I really do. Hoping you have the best relationships in the future. FUCK DARREN STONE is all I have to say. Love you so much. 

Darren Stone is a dick, Shell. I probably won't say much, but I love you. 

Wishing you the best, Shelby. 

See you on the other side, Shell. 

Love, Clem. 

\-   
Dear Adrienne 

I will keep this short. 

I won't tell you to fuck off, I won't. But, I will tell your brother he can fuck off. HOMOPHOBIC CUNT PRICK!! I won't be writing him a letter. 

Adrienne, I love you with all my heart. But, there's someone else in my life. 

He's a guy. 

Jeff can call me names if he wants. You know because that's what I am. 

FAGGOT! FUCKING ASS-EATING FAGGOT! 

In the end, Adrienne, all I have to say is. I'm sorry... 

And, I love you. 

Love, Clem. 

\-   
Dear Morgan and Rachel 

Rachel, you're now twenty-four-weeks pregnant. I heard you and Morgan are excited for the baby. God, even Mr. Brock. 

Morgan, Rachel let me feel her baby bump a few days. The baby is a little rocker in there! All I can think about is Mr. Brock being so happy to be a grandfather. Morgan, you're almost eighteen and a father of one soon. Rachel, you'll be sixteen soon. Life is moving fast, isn't it? 

We don't know what Rachel is having yet. A girl? A boy? Are you thinking of names yet? 

You should name the baby after me. Jamie Lyle would be a good name. Lyle, after your dad, Morgan. 

The baby will be good for you two. I need to shut about it. I'll miss you... 

Good luck with the baby and I wish you the best. 

Love, Clem. 

\-   
Dear Jimmy

This is the one I'm dreading to write. 

I love you so much. The worst thing is I want to tell you. 

I can't stop crying writing this. I need to say I love you, Jimmy. 

Jimmy. I love you. 

Oh, fucking shit! I can't stop crying. I can't stop! I CAN'T! I CAN'T! 

I'm gonna kill myself, Jimmy. After this letter is finished. I will kill myself. 

You're gonna ask why aren't you, Jimmy. And what I'm gonna use. I don't know, blow my head off? take a bunch of pills like last time? I have my way on what I'm doing. I should just shut up, now. 

I'm just sad. I'm just really sad. I love you. 

The bathtubs have gotten better. By better, I mean worse. I've slashed my legs, twice. That's how I'm gonna do it. Not in the bathroom, though. 

Nobody Cared. Nobody Listened. 

I'll see you when I'm gone, then. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Love, Clem. 

I FUCKING LOVE YOU!


	26. May 24, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This part is semi-graphic, talk of failed suicide attempt, talk of self-harm, and talk of psychiatric hospitals. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear the shitty hospital food 

I'm in hospital written this. I failed again. 

Been here for two days now, trying to keep me sane and shit. I slit my wrist open two days ago, and my dad found me. I was just to open the other one when he found me. I was wrestled to the ground, blood was everywhere. He just told me to keep the wrist covered. I was so sleepy though, and I think I passed out. 

When I woke up, and I wasn't in my own bed. A fucking hospital bed. Looking at my wrist, white bandages with some blood covering it. My dad has been next to my bed for two days. I look over at the door, and there's a really young male nurse cleaning MY BLOOD off the floor. 

The doctors told me to keep my wrist still to get some blood into it. From my IV and stuff.

And here I am, writing this after two days of hell. The bed is cold and itchy, I feel so drugged because of the IV in my hand. Plus, the food isn't better. They give me some bullshit last night. Cheese and broccoli pasta dish, they got to be fucking kidding me. They give me it with red jelly and milk. The food was hard, like rocks. The jelly and milk were nice. 

The doctors came in not that long ago. I'll try my best to remember the conversation. It went something like this: 

Doctor: Hello Jamie, how are you feeling?  
Me: Like fucking shit...  
Doctor: Oh, that's bad, isn't it.  
I HAD NO WORDS FROM THERE. The doctor went on to talk to my dad.  
Doctor: Terry, we are worried about your son?  
Dad: Are you really. He's been through this before. He didn't end up in the hospital the last time.  
Doctor: Well, we have been thinking about Jamie's mental state.  
Dad: And?  
Doctor: We are worried about Jamie being a danger to others, as well as himself.  
Dad: To others!? He's not dangerous!  
Doctor: Mr. Clement, if your son has another one of these attempts. It could end deadly.  
Dad: How deadly?  
Doctor: The hospital has made some calls, we think Jamie should stay with others.  
Dad: You're not sending him to a crazy home!  
Doctor: We will discuss this with you and Jamie. 

After that, my dad told the doctor to go fuck himself. I don't need to this in my life. 

I'm seventeen and I'm suicidal. 

Fuck my life. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on a real-life event from my life. My teachers told me, and my mum to my face that I was a danger to others, and need to be seen by a doctor. 
> 
> I don't know much about US hospital food. So I based this on hospital food we have here.


	27. May 26, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written in a few days as I was dealing with some personal issues in my life, plus written has been keeping me sane.  
> I'm also trying to write/set up a new work of mine that will appear soon. Look out for that.

Dear Cheese Sandwich

I'm back home now!

The doctors still want me to take time in a mental place. And, thank fuck I got some good food went I came home. No more shitty hospital food. Jimmy called to see how I was doing and why I hadn't been at group therapy. I told him I had done a "bad thing" and ended up in the hospital because of it. He still wants to hang out. 

To tell the truth. Jimmy knows what the "bad thing" means truly. Loeb (my cat) is petting at my leg, he's the best thing right now in my life. He's so small, still a kitten really.   
Sitting on my bed, writing in this journal, Leob petting at my leg, and eating a cheese sandwich. 

The doctors had re-wrap my wrist before I got out as the bandage was old and blood-soaked. They are still trying to figure what the fuck is wrong with me currently. They don't fucking know right now, me too as well. 

I wonder what Adrienne is doing right now? I wonder how Rachel's baby is doing? 

God, I need to stop thinking this way. You know... THAT WAY! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can anyone guess what killer that Loeb the cat is named after?


	28. June 1, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Talk of cancer, and talk of cancer scares. 
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Balls

I'm still lonely and feeling shitty. I hate it.

Howie told me something today. Something bad. 

He said he was talking a bath a couple of nights ago and he was checking around his cock area (FOR CLEANING) and he found a lump on his balls. A hard lump. He tried to get his dad to help him figure out it, his dad said it was the part of the balls that makes jizz and there was nothing to worry about. Howie thinks it's cancer. 

He's going to the doctors about it. I just hope and pray for the best for him. This whole conversation made me check my own balls. THANK GOD FOR NOTHING! 

Balls are strange things, aren't they. They really don't do anything besides holding shit to make babies with. Speaking of babies, Rachel is 28 weeks now. She's gotten so big. They still don't know if it's a boy or girl. Mr. Brock (Lyle) and Morgan are hoping for a boy, I think Rachel is too! 

Jimmy called today. We're gonna hang out tomorrow. 

I'm excited. 

To Be Continued, CLEM.


	29. June 2, 1990

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Gay slurs (at one's self), and talk of eating disorders (disorder not specific)
> 
> Stay Safe!

Dear Jimmy's bedroom

I just got back home from Jimmy's. 

That was an experience. I got dad to drop me off at the house, and I knocked on the door. Jimmy was home alone today and he opened the door for me. FUCK I'M A FAG! 

My heart stopped when I saw him, he had his grey sweatpants on, his curled hair was tied back. He looked so cute. He went up into his bedroom and sat on the bed. Stole some alcohol (that I'm pretty much sure his parents won't miss), smoked some joints, and it felt so strange. 

This is wasn't the Jimmy I know from group therapy. This was another Jimmy.

Oh god, he looked so cute. 

Both of us had our shoes off, sock-clad feet on his bed. I don't even know what to say. I had a great time. His eating problems are still there, he told me he's been taking little bits of anything, trying to get his weight a little backup. He still says he feels fat. He's not fat, he's perfect. Though, his body is a little chunky. He's still beautiful. 

Dad picked me up and he asked if I was smoking 'grass again'. I didn't say much. I've been looking for a new job since I quit my other job at the video store. I still have to go to school, I don't even know what day it is. 

Jimmy... I have so many feelings for him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.

My heart is beating so fast, my pants are tight thinking about him. Shit! I told myself not to get a hard-on because of him. I need to figure this out. STOLEN QUEER PORNO MAGS HEAR I COME. FUCK THAT SOUNDS SO WRONG!

NO! Really I have to sort this out! I can feel the pre-cum. GOD, THAT'S GROSS! 

To Be Continued, CLEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here in Scotland, we call sweatpants trackie bottoms.
> 
> And, I didn't mean for it to get gross at the end.


	30. June 5, 1990

Dear Dave

I was at Dave's last night. I was still thinking about Jimmy, he's still on my mind all the time right now. 

Dave was talking about his plans to attend university

I don't really know what to think about the whole thing. Dave is thinking about going to Chicago for university. I do love him as a friend. I can't tell him about me and Jimmy. 

What I am supposed to tell him. I have a girlfriend? Oh, what's her name? Jimmy? Never knew a girl can be called Jimmy? 

I still hate myself so much! I mean I jerk off to gay porno mags to change my mind. Dave has some playboys in his bedroom. I need to borrow some of them one day. I don't even know how to feel about this, as I said again. 

I need to shut up about this whole shit! I need to fucking shut up! I'm such a fucking asshole...

To Be Continued, CLEM.


End file.
